Growing Miracles: Social development – preschoolers

Plan for Play

• Set aside time each day for preschoolers to choose their own activities and expand their creativity. Give them the time they need for play.
• If possible, try to have play times with other children several times each week.
• Keep props handy. Dress-up clothes, boxes, and play money can all add creativity to pretend play.
• Be crafty. Create a box of art and craft supplies and keep it within easy reach. Set up a special place for creating.
• Provide space. Children need space to play both indoors and out.

Encourage Your Child's Play

Encourage preschooler's to use their imagination. Create exciting new adventures by reading good books, taking them to the zoo or the museum, or watching a movie together. At this age, their play is based on their experiences. Give them different kinds of activities to inspire creativity.

Help them join in if they are shy or reluctant to join other children. You can give them ideas on how to be a part of the group. For example, "Do you want to play firefighters with the other children? If you do, you can go up to them and say 'Can I be a fireman, too?'" or you could say "This looks like a big fire. I have another fire hose here. I'll help you put out the fire."

Take Part

• Display their creations. Talk about how and why they made them.
• Play together. Try to find some time each day when you can play with your child without the distraction of schedules and chores. Follow your child's lead. Let her set the rules as you join her in her fantasy world.
• Although preschoolers are becoming more independent, and have more skills to draw on, they'll still need you, and other supportive adults, to encourage and promote pretend play. When you play a part in your child's dramatic games and activities, you can lead your child to higher levels of imagination.

Getting Along With Friends

Preschool children like playing and being with other children and, by doing so, can learn how to get along with others. At the beginning of this stage, children can only see things from their own perspective or point of view. They think that everyone else sees or thinks about things the same way they do. So, while your 4-year-old may have learned to take turns with other children, she may seem very bossy. Preschoolers can understand and follow the rules of simple games, but will often change the rules as they play the games. When they are with other playmates, they will all think that their way is the only right way.

They will need your guidance to learn ways to sort out disagreements.

Towards the end of this stage, your child will show increasing ability to understand the feelings of others. This is the beginning of empathy.

Is Your Child Ready for "School?"

Children between the ages of 3 and 5 are too young for formal school, but are often ready for preschool, playschool, or nursery school.
In deciding if your preschooler is ready, ask yourself if she:

• can be away from you for short periods of time
• are curious and willing to learn 
• like to play with other children 
• can stay focused on an activity or story

You may want to join a parent/tot group so your child gets used to being with other children while you're with her.

If you choose to send your child to preschool, be sure to help her get used to it by:

• waiting until she is ready
• visiting the school 
• meeting the teacher 
• observing the other children
• pretend playing school at home
• volunteering when you can

Preschoolers' learning and activities help prepare them for school and classroom learning. If preschool is an option, choose one that focuses on creativity and social skills. The most important things to foster at this age are excitement about learning and the ability to get along with others.

Tattle Tales

Tattling (or telling on someone), name-calling, and swearing are common in the preschool years. Preschoolers are learning new words and also learning when to use them.

In learning and using words, preschoolers can find themselves in a difficult spot. They are encouraged to give their parents information about all kinds of things, but then told not to tattle. Young preschool children often "tattle" when they think someone has done something wrong because they are just learning the difference between right and wrong, and they want to check it out with you.

Your preschooler may want you to correct another child's behaviour. Unless it is a safety issue, you can respond by confirming your child's concern, saying, "Yes, that is wrong. I'm glad you know that."

As preschoolers get older, they may be "tattling" to get you to fix a problem. Preschool children can learn to solve their own problems, but they need your help. With a sincere voice ask, "That seems to be a problem for you. What do you think you can do about it?" and then help them problem-solve.

Sometimes, tattling is really your child telling you something because they are really concerned. Ask your child, "Are you telling me to help your friend, or to get them into trouble?" You'll quickly know the answer. Your child needs to know they can come to you and other adults for help.

Name-Calling and Swearing

Name-calling often starts when children begin to use words rather than actions when they are angry or frustrated. Unfortunately, they don't always pick the best words and calling someone "poo-poo head" may be the first thing out of their mouths.

Swearing at this age is often about testing the limits. Deal with it right away. Calmly, but firmly, let your child know you don't like such words and that you will need to leave the room if he continues. It is important to then follow through and do it. Swearing may seem cute coming from a 4-year-old, but their teachers won't tolerate it once they get to school. Try not to overreact, as it will likely make things worse. Set a good example. If you or anyone else uses these words, preschoolers will think it's okay for them to use them too.

Fantasy or Reality

Preschoolers are starting to be able to tell the difference between fantasy and reality, but won't fully know the difference until they're 6 or 7 years old. What parents think of as lying at this stage is often just telling tall tales; letting their active imaginations run wild. Tall tales are perfectly normal for this age. Your child is not purposefully trying to defy or deceive you. If it is clearly a tall tale, sometimes you can play along with the fantasy; other times you need to bring them back to reality. "Really? I did not see that green dinosaur take your truck. Do you think it might be out in the sandbox?"

Sometimes preschoolers may not tell the truth because they fear being punished.

If your child's "stretching the truth" is a problem, you can help by:

• Being honest with others. Your child learns from watching you.
• Not punishing when your child tells the truth. If she says she spilled the milk when trying to pour it and you punish her, she learns that when she tells the truth, she gets punished and as a result, she will stop telling you the truth.
• Not setting your child up. For example, when you ask: "Did you break this glass?" when you know they did, you put your child in a position of confusion. They may want to tell you the truth but is afraid of what might happen. Focus on the solution instead. For example, you could say, "Looks like this glass got broken. Let's get it cleaned up. You get the broom and I'll sweep it up. Next time, let's use the plastic glasses."

Developing Positive Behaviour

Preschoolers need to be able to explore and be increasingly independent, but they also need to learn and understand that everyone has limits, and that includes their behaviour. It is a fine balance that will take several years to learn.

As a parent, it is a balance for you too. If your child faces too many rules, he stops trying to do anything for himself. If he has no limits, he is unable to learn the boundaries of acceptable behaviour. A parenting style in the middle is the best solution.

Children this age are beginning to understand that their actions have consequences, both good and bad. Although they are better at accepting limits, they still need to test them. They can now learn that while a feeling (such as being mad) is acceptable, an action (such as hitting) may not be, and that they can choose a better way (such as using their words) to show emotion. Use these situations to show him how different behaviours lead to different results. This is important for children to learn.

The strategies for teaching your toddler how to behave can still work with your preschooler.

For preschoolers, these extra suggestions can also help:

Give Limited Choices

Give your preschooler a more active role in decision-making. Offer choices between two things when you can, but make sure you can live with either choice (for example: "Do you want apple or orange juice?"). Don't let children make choices when none exists (for example: staying buckled up in the car seat, brushing teeth, or going to bed are all things your child must do, so don't give them as a choice).

Encourage Capability

Children need to feel capable (that they are able to do things on their own) and that they are important to other people. Preschoolers are capable of doing many things. At 3 years old, they can help carry light things, or take their dishes to the sink. At 4 years of age, they may be able to sort laundry into dark and light piles, fold socks, or help wash and tear up lettuce for a salad. Find out what your child can do. Have realistic expectations, encourage your children to do what they can and let them know they are an important part of your family.

Talk about Expectations

Let preschoolers know how you expect them to behave in different situations. If you're going to the grocery store, tell them ahead of time that you're going to buy milk, vegetables, and fruit but not candies and treats. Or tell them before you leave the house that Grandma doesn't allow running in her house. Help them be successful: let them pick out the apples, avoid going down the candy aisle, and keep the shopping trip short. At Grandma's house, let them run around the backyard. Be sure to notice and comment on their positive behaviour.

Set a Good Example

Children learn by seeing, listening and doing. If you want your preschooler to clear her dishes from the table when she finishes eating, let her see you take your dishes away and ask her to bring hers as well.

Talk about Your Values

Talk to your preschooler about what's important to your family. Whether it's respect, honesty, family, fun, learning, or politeness, explain why these things are important to your family and how values differ among people and families. Let your children see how you and the rest of your family live up to your values.

Dealing with Problems

Accepting Mistakes

Everybody makes mistakes and when your child makes one, help them to think of it as a learning opportunity. This is a chance to figure out what to do instead the next time. If the mistake can be fixed, show them how. If you make a mistake, admit it and talk about how you have dealt with it.

Using Natural and Logical Consequences

Consequences are a natural or logical result of an action. When it's safe, let natural consequences occur. Preschoolers can learn that when they don't eat, they get hungry or when they go out in the rain, they get wet. At other times, logical consequences can follow their actions. Logical consequences are not as obvious as natural consequences, so you may need to point them out. Consequences are not punishments, they are simply what happens when a behaviour expectation isn’t met.

Logical consequences should be related, reasonable and respectful. For example, if they don't play safely in the park, take them home and when the seat belts are undone, the car doesn't move.

Logical consequences are most effective when they directly follow an action. If you tell your child what you expect (for example, he must wear a helmet when riding his tricycle), and he doesn’t do it even after a reminder, then follow through. For this example, that would mean putting his tricycle away. This logical consequence is reasonable, related to the behaviour, and respects your child and you. Later, you can let him try again and give him a chance to correct his mistake.

Have patience. Children don’t always learn things the first time or right away. Indeed, you can expect your preschooler to ignore or forget much of what you say. You may have to repeat your words and actions many times. When you are calm and consistent in what you do, your child eventually learns. Kindness and firmness, patience and consistency are the foundations of successful parenting.

Helping Children Solve Problems

Even young children can be very creative when it comes to solving problems, and you can work with them to find solutions. If your child is upset over a problem, wait until she is calm to help her.

The basic steps of the problem-solving process are as follows:

• Acknowledge their feelings: "You look mad."
• Accept their feelings, but limit their actions: "It's okay to be mad. It's not okay to hit. Hitting hurts people."
• Define the problem: "I see two boys who want to play with the same truck."
• Get him to suggest solutions: "How do you think we could solve this problem so both boys are happy?"
• Help if needed.
• Together, decide on a solution and try it out.
• Evaluate to see if it has worked. If not, try another solution.
• Notice and comment when you see them getting along.

Problem solving is a skill your child will use their whole life. The more you help children solve their own problems now, the better they will resolve conflict later in life.

Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is as old as family life itself. Rivalries and disputes between brothers and sisters can end as quickly as they begin, but they sometimes simmer for hours, days, and weeks.

You can set the stage for sibling cooperation when you:

• Make and enforce family rules such as no name-calling or no hitting.
• Avoid labelling your children. "She's always getting into trouble," or "He's just an angel."
• Find a balance between treating all your children exactly the same and favouring one over the other. Recognize that each child is unique and what works for one child may not work for another.
• Understand that anger is a normal feeling and that arguments are normal.Most siblings support each other in situations outside the family.
• Recognize that learning how to "fight fairly" at home gives them skills for dealing with conflict outside the home.

If your children can't settle their differences and begin to fight:

• Be prepared to step in if things get out of control (for example, if one child is physically or verbally hurting another child).
• Separate them. Use time out to calm down if needed. Comfort and reassure a child who is upset or hurt.
• Don't assume you know what happened unless you saw it.
• Encourage each child to share their side of the story, without interruption.
• Ask them to come up with a plan that will work for both of them. Help with problem solving if needed.